Call Me Miss Clarol

As we grow old, our hair not only turns white one by one but the texture of our hair also changes. It grows limp and lifeless like a penis does at 50.

But we older girls don't have to live our lives like dandy lions in the flower garden of life.If you suffer from colorless limp hair, I urge you to take the plunge into aisle seven at Duane Read and take a look at all those possibilities!

My straight father colors his hair, so I don't feel one bit like a fag while standing in a lane of beauty products and pushing all the bi-polar girls out of my way as I too reinvent myself every three months.

But be realistic about your color choices. Just because you always thought you would be a pretty blonde does not really mean that you can pull off the challenge. I tried using Clarol's California Blonde shade one time and my hair came out looking like a Dandy Lion. I was forced to go buy another box and change the color of my pubic hair too. Men hate it when they learn you are not a real blonde. If you are white and drink too much and your skin turns red when frustrated, stay away from the lighter tones. I suggest the shade Autumn Sunrise for white heavy drinkers.

Blondes should never have to color their gray hair, although many do. But please stay blonde, we brunettes don't need another Plain Jane crying for attention in the wig of life.

Always use Miss Clarol or Just For Men, all other products are just shoe polish— just ask my dad. He told me about his trip to the chiropractor hours after coloring his hair with Loreal.After getting up from the back doctor's examination table, he left a black mark where his head rested on the massage table covered with white paper.

He told me he was really embarrassed and he almost got laid in that exam room until the doctor figured out his hair was not the natural shade of Jet Black. I thanked daddy for his jeans and his balls and for tips on getting laid non-stop in life. “Kenny Rogers and Michael McDonald never get any pussy.” said my dad, the spittin' image of Johnny Cash. I immediately ran back to aisle Seven in Duane Reade and searched diligently for a nice even shade of gray called No Pussy Grey.