Fat Lady Sings The Blues

Shedding fat the natural way is the best cure for common depression.

Men can be cruel and fart all over our egos when we get big and round when not carrying their children in our tummies.

They may call you an obese ugly slut as they pack their things and finally get out of your kitchen.

Ignore them.

Anti-depressants make us chunky and rub salt on the wounds that form on those flabby patches on our inner-thighs-- the spot where our legs rub together.

Run it off and you’ll have the guys eating off you again.

Don’t set there and watch Oprah pull out another red wagon and remind you that you’ll never be a talk show host.

Start with baby steps, increase your stride over time, and before you know it, you’ll be as tasty as re-fried beans.

I had subconsciously settled into my fat inner- self and decided that sex was for the heterosexuals and birds anyway.

“If they don’t love me for who I am inside, I don’t want them anyway,” I secretly told myself.

Times have changed. Even Oprah does not look inside others any longer.

When my husband decided it was time to go run off with a skinny Chelsea tramp I spent my time on a tread mill and not bench pressing the refrigerator.

Don’t let the steroid queens at the gym depress you either. In a few months they’ll be checking out your bubble gum butt at the gym.

Just keep running and ignore those laughing at your fat ass bounce up and down on the stairmaster. If you break the machine, who gives a fuck—that’s what memberships are for!

Cut-out the bread and cereals. I know they are an important part of our diets, but us fat heifers have had enough to last our bodies a lifetime.

Keep wearing the baggy clothing and secretly change within.

When warm summer days come again, throw on a wife-beater tank top and watch all the fat ugly men chase you down like crumbs on the plate from a deliciously prepared meal-- like the ones we once prepared in good faith for the skinny men in our lives.