Secrets To Making A Pie Crust That Will Tame Your Man

Grab a large can of Crisco shortening. The only thing better is real lard. Society lost its appreciation for pigs. It’s sinful to consider laying down with pork products.

Making a pastry with lard is an art form that faded with disco music. The gay days of disco and lard are over. Use what is convenient to purchase and fashionable to serve in 2005– Crisco shortening. It’s the other white lard. Bake with real lard if you dare. It may not be kosher, but the results are tasteful.

Soon, even those who know how to roll out homemade pastry dough with Crisco will be a thing of the past. Machines now produce near-perfect crusts that taste wonderful and are conveniently sold at Wal-Mart next to hunting rifles. These days, most kitchens are not equipped with rolling pins. Couples who can marry don’t request them at web sites when establishing wedding registries.

Take the time to learn how to perform the ancient miracle of showing compassion and feeding the multitudes with a wholesome form of bread. Otherwise, one day, they will laugh at your music and judges will void your marriage licenses.

Follow the recipe on the Crisco can! Women across America who know what men really like, keep the label from a can of Crisco in the inside front cover of their favorite cookbook or Bible. They are simple women with little time to fuss about perfection. They trust their "product" as did their mammas.

There are a few tricks the J.M. Smucker Company neglected to throw on the label of a Crisco can. Follow these "tips" learned the hard way, by women, time and again, dating back to the time when the Garden of Eden had an apple tree.

Use a Tupperware bowl for mixing. Stir the flour and the salt together with a fork. Shuffle the dry ingredients momentarily and look sexy while whipping.

At this point of the baking process, you will not be worshiped by the man you love. After all, it’s a woman’s duty to serve her husband.

Real men do not buzz around the kitchen, simply to prove they care or to show affection. Real men are proficient at being pampered. They have evolved beyond the hover consciousness. No longer is it necessary to fly like bees from flower to flour, pollinating everything they touch. Learn to cook for your man, and he’ll stay close to your garden. Otherwise, you are not a real woman, made from the batch of flour used to mold Eve.

A man wearing a big fig leaf knows that he is entitled to a woman who has perfected the art of spoiling a man. (Allow him watch Fox News with his hands in his Fruit- of- the- Looms.)

Mix the flour and salt in the same manner a pottery maker mixes ingredients for clay, or a slave of an ancient Pharaoh, mixed together mud and straw, to build a pyramid.

Whichever imaginary technique used to make the task of mixing seem worthwhile, generations of offspring will remember you as a savior who fed the multitudes and a wholesome woman who parted the Dead Sea whenever necessary.

Wipe your forehead frequently, as if you were about to collapse. (It’s strange, but it does make the pastry flakier.)

Measure out the shortening. Crisco manufactures their product in block form that can be measured from lines on the packaging. These lines are ideal for the growing number of us suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder.

Buy a can of Crisco only for the recipe. Throw out the product that comes in the can if the concept of measuring in ½ cup portions confuses you or if you simply don’t own a measuring cup. The new blocks of Crisco make baking so much easier.

New blocks of Crisco made with a touch of butter flavor, don’t have pie pastry recipes on their labeling. Times have changed, packaging on new Crisco blocks encourages cookie baking, not pie making.

Martha Stewart Living cookbooks instruct readers to use chilled shortening. For a beginner this is not necessary. One can chill the batch prior to rolling it out.

Purchase a metal pastry blender. Or, a kitchen fork works well in breaking down large chunks of shortening into smaller pieces, the first step in preparing pastry.

The goal is to create pea-sized, flour-covered, shortening pieces from the ingredients: flour, salt and shortening. After the pea stage is reached, add the final ingredient, water.

A.D.D. water one tablespoon at a time. Instructions given by J.M. Smucker & Co. advises cooks to use five tablespoons of the Holy stuff. I command thee to use seven, after all, it took God seven days to make everything. The mixture will not resemble a perfect pod of peas. (Nothing in life ever works out the way we think it should.) There will be lots of loose flour alongside the flour peas. By adding water slowly, the loose flour finds a home as part of the other peas. The result is a glob of flour peas, which, like the men you feed with this form of unleavened bread, can be easily worked.

Throw and scatter flour on the work surface as if the cameras were rolling on a made for television cooking series with you as the star. (Even if alone in the kitchen, throw the flour out as if the world were watching .) Don’t worry about the mess or the Feds investigating your stock market transactions. Women are good at cleaning- up the mess. Throw the flower dramatically. Remember you are going through all the fuss because Wall-Mart pastries contribute to the destruction of small business and a woman’s place in the home.

Homemade pastry is as precious as oil in Iraq. Don’t over-work the product. Form it only to a point when it sticks together. Squeeze it until it resembles Play-Dough. One should be able to throw the ball at their loved one without any flour getting on the shag carpet on its way across the room. If the pastry ball were to hit your man, it would not harm him. If it’s made correctly at this point in the process, it will spur a food fight if thrown, leading to romantic interludes on the kitchen floor.

(Pop the softball in the freezer for about 5-10 minutes . Don’t let it freeze it to the point where it can cause real harm.)

Press the pastry with your hands a few times on a floured surface. Shape it as you did as a child while playing with Play-Dough, forming a disk slightly larger than a man’s face. Keep the edges rounded and crack-free. Use your right hand along the outer edges as the left hand keeps the dough in a disc shape. (Left- handed individuals cannot make pie pastry.)

Dough should never stick to fingers like a one night stand that will not leave in the morning. Use flour as often as needed, but don’t make the pastry too dry.

Throw some more flour and flip over the labor of love.

Throw more flour just for fun. The entire family will be gathered around at this point. Simply smile and act like Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson going to trail when scattering the ground grain.

Then, do what my mamma did when the secrets of rolling pastry were about to be revealed. Tell everyone who has gathered at the end of the mobile home that serves as both a bedroom and kitchen, to "get the hell out!". A sure way to destroy a batch of pastry is to invite an audience to watch during the rolling-out phase. Despite the desire to show-off in the kitchen and bedroom, inviting others to watch is distracting.

Start rolling out the dough with a rolling pin or wine bottle. Flip it over when it’s the size slightly larger than a man’s ego. Flip at least one additional time. Flipping becomes more difficult the thinner the pastry becomes. Flipping three times is sufficient.

The only time to add flour to the work surface is when turning the pastry over. By adding flour to the top of the pastry, it’s not necessary to scatter more on the work surface.

Remember, throw flour prior to each flip. Also, keep the edges in order with hands before flipping. Flour the rolling pin too. (Flour serves as lubricant.)

Learning to roll with a rolling pin is similar to learning to write with a pen. Start with fresh ingredients, follow directions from those of us who have paid our dues, and trust that the pastry will make itself.

It will not take long before the potential pie shell reaches a size somewhat larger than the circumference of a pie plate. Use a ceramic plate to create whichever type of pie you prefer. Use an electronic cooking oven, like the one used by Bill O’Reilly while making phone calls, for baking.

My mother once criticized at me for not using her method for transferring the flattened pastry into the pie plate. I simply bend it over and shove it in. (She may be right, freshly rolled pastry gets a crease on its surface, while using the folding method. ) There is also a risk of it breaking apart. Food does not always have to appear perfect for it to serve a purpose or taste good.
Mother, a descendant of an ousted Amish clan from South Central Pennsylvania, is intrigued by my convenient folding method– a technique I learned outside of HER bedroom. She knows I can catch a man with my pie too!

You may wish to use my momma’s method: Wrap the pastry up around the rolling pin. Start by placing the rolling pin at one end of the flattened product, hold the edge of the pastry against the pin, and allow the pre-baked crust to wrap itself around the rolling device. This method helps to prevent both a man and the pastry from slipping out of control. One can simply un-roll the fresh dough into the pie plate. When utilizing the wrap-around the pen method, take the time to glide your hands along the product before unrolling it into the plate. It will be made obvious to you why men watch Fox news in a certain position.

It’s as simple as that. It may take several bags of flour and countless Crisco pyramid blocks to finally get the groove.

The old world way of rolling pastry and writing produces a product that is often tasty. As with blocks of Crisco shortening made by smuckering corporations, drug companies who make and distribute psychiatric medications which treat "severe mental illnesses", are crucifying those force fed these non-kosher drugs.

It’s no longer necessary to use electronic cooking devices for these patients as "new classes" of drugs shock the hell out of anyone force fed this type of swine. Some psychiatrists are as lazy as housewives who run to Wal-mart to pick up pastry shells on the eve of Thanksgiving. They are baking without a woman’s touch.

Sit back and watch Fox News if you wish to believe otherwise. "Waking-up" to a world after a psychiatrist has flattened the mind is similar to trying to assemble batch of pastry for the first time. Make some today, and you will understand.

A woman will always have a place in the kitchen. Individuals with "schizophrenia" should not be chased from the Garden of Eden with pastry blenders just so they can fit into the pan of life.

Don’t get wrapped around the pen of creative advertising. Those "wonder drugs" are as evil as a snake in an apple tree.

Don’t believe everything you read and be careful how it is interpreted. Words, like ingredients for a recipe, can be altered just a little, but the result is a huge change in the flavor. This is why good ole Amish girls still keep labels from Christco tucked safely away in their Bibles.

Be creative with the secrets of mystical pastry. So much more than minced meat pies can be created with the talent of pastry making. Chicken pot pie is simple and real women who bake and write the old-fashioned way will at least have a purpose in this place called Heaven.